Feature Article | Safe Teen Relationships

Like it or not, when you’re talking teens, back-to-school safety means talking about safe relationships and safe sex.

With teens heading back to school, it’s the season for new romances. For teens, new relationships are exciting and dramatic. They can also be dangerous. Teen dating violence is on the rise, and sexually active teens are at highest risk for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Does your teen know what a safe relationship looks like? Or how to escape one that’s not? Back to school is a good time to talk to your teens about these issues, and let them know you’re there to help and support them if their relationship is unsafe.

The facts

We don’t like to think about our kids being in sexually active relationships or being victims of dating violence, but they are–and in increasing numbers.

Of teens who have been in a serious relationship:

• One in five reports being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.*
• One in three reports being text messaged up to 30 times in an hour by a partner.*
• One in four say they have been called names, harassed or put down by their partner through cell phone and texting.*

Teen sexually transmitted disease (STD) facts:

• One in four teen girls in the United States has a STD.**
• Nearly half of the 19 million new STDs each year are in young people between the ages of 15 and 24.**
• Young people (ages 15 to 24) have four times the reported chlamydia rate of the total population.**

Sources: * TRU online survey (Picard, 2007); ** Centers for Disease Control

While those statistics are sobering, the true number of teens affected by dating violence and STDs may be even higher. That’s because teens are often reluctant to share stories of abuse or violence with adults, and many are embarrassed to discuss sex with their parents or even their doctors. As a result, too many teens suffer continued abuse and poor health.

Why parents are in the dark about teen dating violence

When it comes to teen dating violence, adults may miss the warning signs because they literally can’t see them. Technology, mobile phones and social media have changed how teens communicate, and how some abusers harass and threaten their teen victims.

“With digital abuse, an abuser may use their cell phone to call their partner 20 times a day or 30 times a day,” explains Sheryl Cates, former CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. “They may be checking their partner’s phone, checking who they called, checking who are they texting. They might call them continuously to interfere with their day-to-day life. It’s a very dangerous situation in terms of their ability to use these tools to increase the amount of threatening behavior.”

While digital abuse doesn’t produce visible bruises, it’s still abuse, according to Claretha Cross, Domestic Violence Liaison Officerr with the Chicago Police Department. And both parents and teens need to be clued in to warning signs and danger. “Teen dating abuse is just like domestic violence,” she explains. “It’s abuse designed to maintain and gain power and control over another person.”

(Learn the warning signs of teen dating violence and see more of Sheryl Cates and Officer Cross at Be Smart. Be Well. Domestic Violence.)

Why parents are in the dark about STDs

When it comes to STDs, many parents are similarly underinformed. That’s partly because talking about sex is uncomfortable and partly because some parents just don’t understand the risk.

“Parents really worry a lot about their kids being sexually active. But for most parents, their biggest fear is that their child will have a baby when they’re still in high school. Sexually transmissible diseases are not at the top of their list,” explains Renee Jenkins, MD, adolescent health specialist and past president of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

In addition, she explains, some STDs don’t cause symptoms right away, so teens might not know themselves if they’re infected. The only way to know, and the only sure way protect your sexually active teen’s health, is to have him or her screened for STDs, Dr. Jenkins says. Undiagnosed and untreated, some STDs may lead to cervical cancer, infertility and other serious medical complications. Having a STD needs to be taken seriously, she cautions.

(See more of Dr. Jenkins, get tips for talking to your kids about sex, and learn more about STD screening and prevention at Be Smart. Be Well. Sexually Transmitted Diseases.)

Parents: Do your homework

Before you talk to your kids about safe relationships, do your homework so you feel comfortable and confident having the conversation, advises Dr. Jenkins.

“I think sometimes parents are petrified that their children are going to ask them a question and they won’t know the answer, so they don’t want to talk about it,” she says. “So get educated. There’s more information available for you now, and you all can learn together.”

For example, learn the warning signs of teen dating abuse, and then share your knowledge with your kids. Often, teens don’t identify abusive behavior as abusive because it doesn’t fit the traditional definition.

And when it comes to sex, safe sex or no sex, get your facts straight before talking to your kids. Abstinence from vaginal, anal and oral intercourse is the only 100 percent effective way to prevent STDs, Dr. Jenkins says. When parents talk to teens about sex, they should let them know they have the right to say ‘no’ to sex. But if they say ‘yes,’ they need to be smart and they need to be safe.

(Get the facts and find links to helpful resources at Be Smart. Be Well. Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Be Smart. Be Well. Domestic Violence.)

Talk, talk, talk

Make an effort to talk to your teen, about both big and little things in his or her life. Having an ongoing dialogue will make it easier for you to broach more awkward topics like sex and dating violence, and your teen will feel more comfortable coming to you with difficult questions.

“Let your child know that you’re there when they want to talk to you, and, as a parent, your concern is keeping them safe,” says Chicago Police Department Officer Cross. “Be available to talk, but also be ready to listen to what the children have to say about their relationships.”

The more you talk with your teens, the more likely they are to open up, and the better chance you have of protecting them from unsafe relationships. “The strength of your relationship and how you cement that relationship as a parent is really the most important thing in helping to protect your child,” Dr. Jenkins says. “That communication, that relationship and the strength of it is the most important thing in what the outcome is going to be for your young person.”

Life Story Videos: Safe Relationships

Watch this three-minute video to see how Kari went from a smart, ambitious teen with dreams and life plans to a victim of teen dating violence.
Watch Kari’s story.

Think you understand how to prevent a STD? Think you know how you catch a STD? Watch this two-minute video to hear real people’s responses to simple questions about STDs. You’ll be surprised by their answers.
Watch Just the Facts.